A day in the life

You wake up. The first thing you do is wonder if this is a good idea. You start to wonder why you should bother waking up in the first place. Sleep is blissful, in many ways. It was, before last night, the one time you didn't think, the one time the creeping sadness wasn't on the edge of your mind. Until last night.

This isn't the first time you've woken up. Last night you drifted in and out of sleep. You were having what to most guys your age would be a GOOD dream. Two hot chicks with ample everything. Your attracted to them. They even end up sleeping in the same bed as you. But not sexually. Not even really romantically. You realize that you've become their best friends while they date some asshole. Even in your own dreams, you can't get the girl. So the dream becomes a nightmare.

As you dredge your memories through the dream, which is remaining bright and vivid in your mind detail to detail, you slowly crawl out of bed. You get into the shower and let the water run over you as you scrub your head absently. You cry a bit. It's alright though, there's no one around to see it and no one will ever know.

It would be nice, you think, if this was new. But the dream last night was just a note in a lifetime of similar things. It's just before it never followed you into your dreams. But now it has. One of the last bastions of your sanity crumbles as you realize sleep will no longer be the sweet oblivion it used to be.

You don't look at yourself in the mirror as you go by it. You can't. Every time you do you see yourself looking back. You wander downstairs. You can't look your family in the face. When they talk to you your muscles tighten up, your jaw squares and you have to grind your teeth. You hear the disappointment in their voice and see it in their faces. You desperately want to be left alone so you don't have to look at them and see how far you've fallen. But at the same time you crave company, and being alone scares you, depresses you.

You settle into your chair. The computer, now truly what seems to be the last bastion, the last thing to help you not think. That's what it boils down to. When you think, your thoughts inevitably turn black. Smiling becomes hard. You've spent your whole life smiling, up until a few months ago, to hide from the world. But recently it's just become to much to keep up. Instead you settle for a sort of blank neutrality with just a hint of frown.

You wait patiently for the computer to boot up. You take the time to clean up a bit. Get a glass of your drink of choice for now.

In your torso, your heart is like a lead ball settled against the top of your stomach. Your throat feels constantly choked, like your about to break out crying at any moment, but you can't, because their are other people home today. The fact that you think you have to hide it just makes you want to cry more.

You check your email. A spark of hope, a thrill of energy. Something you wanted to see has arrived and you feel the briefest flicker of positive emotion, and you try to hold onto it but it fades away rapidly. Still, maybe you can go back and it will come back again.

Your trying to get work. Yesterday you got a call from another place you applied at that started out well. "Your resume looks good" says the voice, but you can hear it. The hint that "but" is going to pop up. "But" says the voice "We're just not able to hire on any new staff at this time, though we will keep your resume on hand for another six months, in case a position opens up.". Well. Thats nice. You wish them a happy thanksgiving and thank them for giving you a call (the followup on your part had been a bit of a hassle, and you wondered if complaining about the phone operator would get them fired). So you settle in. Oh well. It's time to distract yourself...so you sit down and boot up your games of choice, and then you start typing in your blog. It begins..."You wake up."